🤝 How to support someone you love

Supporting someone emotionally means encouraging them to feel rather than trying to fix their problems. Validating feelings and creating a safe space is essential for true connection and healing.

• Importance of understanding what not to do in emotional support 
• Need for validating emotions and their role in health 
• Biological perspective on emotional regulation and its duration 
• Encouraging others to feel their emotions thoroughly 
• Practical strategies for offering supportive companionship 
• High Vibe Gym app as a resource for emotional regulation 
• Recap of essential tips for supporting loved ones

Chapters

• 0:00 Supporting Emotions
• 5:53 Encouraging Emotions for Healing
• 15:50 Healing Through Forgiveness and Support

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up, guys? You're listening to the Hot Genius Guide to Manifesting. I'm your host, Christina Modafari, and today's episode is called how to Support Someone. So this episode was an episode that I'd promised I'd make roughly about a year ago and, full disclosure. I had every intention to record it, but I might or might not have forgotten. But, thanks to an amazing listener, they told me hey, I was looking for that episode and I couldn't find it. Um, and here we are.

Speaker 1: 0:29

So this is something that I would like to also remind you as well, guys. Like, if you have an episode request, please let me know. Contact me via Instagram all my handles are available at the bottom of the show notes because, like I always say, this is a two-way conversation, so let's get straight into it. So, when it comes to supporting someone, there is a right way to go about this and there's a wrong way to go about this, okay, so first I'm going to tell you, like, what most people think it is, and you could say the wrong way to do it, and I want you to know that you're in good hands, as I am a former counselor and therapist, so that was my background and so, yes, this is all coming from a good source, I promise you. So okay, so what not to do? What not to do is to try and rescue someone.

Speaker 1: 1:13

So if someone is going through a really tough time I'm going to use an example just so, like a very specific example, but of course you can apply this into your own experience. Let's say you're trying to support someone who has, like a generalized, specific example, but of course you can apply this into your own experience. Let's say you're trying to support someone who has, like a generalized anxiety disorder, like some sort of an anxiety condition, right? So a lot of the time, you know, because we care about people and the people that we love, like we want to fix the problem. Do you know what I mean? Like we really want to make sure they're not suffering. Unfortunately, this actually makes it worse, because what you don't know is that anyone going through anything really any mental health issue, even a non-mental health issue, but maybe a tough time in their lives, like maybe they're going through a divorce or maybe they're going through a loss of a parent you know, like whatever the situation is, that person already has enough pressure on themselves, like they're probably already pressuring themselves to get better, so to speak, and the last thing they need is from someone they love and care about to sort of try and fix them and rescue them, because that's just going to make them feel worse.

Speaker 1: 2:20

The best way that you can support anyone going through anything and this even includes yourself is to understand the fundamental principle of what healthily emotional is, and that is you're supposed to feel your emotions. And the way to fix any mental or emotional problem in our lives is not to get rid of emotion, is to allow ourselves to feel emotions. So don't try to fix the people that you love. They don't need to be fixed. No one is broken, no one. People just need to be held. People just need to be reminded that how they're feeling is fucking valid. They need to be reminded that it's not wrong to be human. It's not wrong to have emotions.

Speaker 1: 3:06

Emotions are a gift. Without them, we'd actually be really stupid, to be honest, because every single bit of wisdom and maturity can only be developed through emotional experiencing. That's why, when someone goes through a loss and they feel the grief of that loss properly, after the loss they become a more mature, developed person. That's not random. That is natural human biology and evolution. We're supposed to feel emotions and every time you ignore your emotions, you try to get rid of them, you're actually delaying your development. You're delaying your mental development, your intellectual development, your emotional development and, in some cases, your physical development. You're supposed to lean into the feelings. Therefore, that's what we're going to encourage other people.

Speaker 1: 3:58

So, when you support someone you love like, let's say, that your partner has an anxiety condition the last thing you need to do is tell them to calm the fuck down. Don't tell them to calm down. Do you think they haven't already tried? Instead, tell them it's safe to feel afraid, it's okay. Feel what you've got to feel. Take your time, babe. Take your time. You need to feel worried. Feel worried. You're safe, you're here. You're safe to feel afraid right now. I got you, I'm here, you're not alone. I'll feel afraid, right with you, but you are safe. That is everything. You want to support someone. You want to fix a problem. You actually want to be helpful. Do that, give them permission, because the human body is so intelligent. It knows exactly what it needs to do. It knows how to regulate emotion.

Speaker 1: 4:42

The only reason why it seems so hard for humans is because of our societal conditioning that has falsely taught us that we're supposed to avoid feeling things and that we're supposed to be machines. That's literally the cause of most mental disorders in today's society, right, and so it's really important that they know that. And so the other thing that I wanted to say is that so when someone is like yeah, so, okay, hold up, let's back up. So when I was saying before, like what not to do, like don't rescue them, don't try and fix them, remind them that how they feel is absolutely valid, and I wanted to give you the science behind this to really help you see the impact that you can have through supporting a person properly. Okay, and what that is is that, biologically speaking and neurochemically speaking, okay, every emotion on average takes about 90 seconds to regulate Regulate in this context, I'm going to define as it takes about 90 seconds for the human body to feel and experience an emotion let's say sadness, let's say we use that as an example.

Speaker 1: 5:53

It takes about 90 seconds for the body to feel and experience through not trying to get rid of it, not trying to control it where, chemically speaking, that emotion will just turn into ease. Right, because energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed, and emotion is also energy, because everything is energy right. So what I'm trying to say here is that when you see someone who's panicking or worried or sad and really stuck in a bad mood for like three weeks, biologically speaking that doesn't make any sense, right? The only reason why they're stuck for a long time is because they've actually they just haven't finished that let's say, 90 second emotional cycle. You know, because the more that you resist, the more it will persist. So the more that you can support someone to encourage them to feel their emotions, it's.

Speaker 1: 6:48

You say something like I got you. I know it's hard, you know, but it's either you feel this emotion completely one last time or you feel this for the rest of your life half-assed, because that's actually how emotions work. The body keeps score right. And don't always say that like this is only. This is probably how you would maybe parent someone or coach someone. I wouldn't say you do this with all your friends and say, hey, would you rather do this one last time? Or, you know properly, entirely for 90 seconds or kind of half-ass it for the rest of your life, because the cycle will just be stunted, right.

Speaker 1: 7:24

But I really recommend, when the situation calls for it, like if you've got a best friend or maybe a little sister or your daughter or whatever it is, or even your clients, then you can use that. If it's just like your friends or whatever, even your partner, I wouldn't overstep the way that I said before. Again, that's more of a parenting sort of thing. I would just get you to know that. That's the concept behind it. But how I'd want you to maybe try expressing it to your partner or your friend is like I know it's hard, I know it's hard. I'm actually going to support you through regulating my emotions so that you feel safe to do the same around me. I'm not going to force you. You take your time to feel what you've got to feel. I'm feeling a bit worried. I'm going to feel worried completely. I'm going to get the high vibe gym to guide us together. Let's do this together.

Speaker 1: 8:17

Which, by the way, guys, if you haven't, you know, downloaded the hot genus society app. What are you doing inside the app? I've got a free high vibe gym in there to do exactly this. It literally is there. It's like having a you know, life coach in your pocket for free, through any emotion you could think of is in there to regulate. I educate you on the evolutionary and the biological reason and purpose for every emotion, through hatred, anxiety, whatever, and how to regulate it with ease and how to teach your body to stop being so damn afraid of emotions. So do yourself a favor and download that app. It is available in the show notes down below every single episode.

Speaker 1: 9:00

Um, but anyway, you know you can use those tools you can offer to. You know, just sit in their space and tell them, like you know, when you're feeling anxious, you're not a burden, okay, there's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken. Did you know that everyone experiences anxiety? And, like, the only time that it becomes a disorder is just when the anxiety, you know, mechanism is just misinterpreting random things as threats. So if I was you and I lived the exact same life as you, I would have an anxiety disorder too. So am I broken? And they'll say no, you're not broken. And then you can say to them well, neither are you. Anxiety is not wrong, it is not something to demonize. It's called a disorder for a reason because anxiety is supposed to exist, because, guys, we die without anxiety. Hello, it's there to keep us alive. It's only a problem when it's a disorder, when the anxiety system is disordered.

Speaker 1: 9:59

Contrary to popular belief, anxiety disorders are not mental illnesses. Okay, it is a biological issue that's just kind of malfunctioning a little bit, and the way you, anyone, can heal through this is through retraining the body back to safety through nervous system and emotional regulation. And you do that. The short way I'm going to give it to you is that regulation is feeling, maybe. Maybe write that down right. The more you feel your anxiety, your sadness, your emotions, what happens is like that is equivalent to you doing reps at the gym and your muscles are quite literally getting stronger, right? So if your muscles are getting reps in, right, you will in future be able to carry heavier things and for it not to hurt your body, right? Your emotions work exactly the same as the muscles on your body. So the more someone feels the anxiety or the sadness or the bad mood, the less sensitive they become to potential stresses or to potential triggers, right? When you really think about it, the people out there who are quote unquote sensitive are the same people who are afraid to feel their emotions, because maybe they feel emotions more deeply and whatever and believe me, this used to be me Like I get it, because emotions sometimes can feel like really overwhelming. So of course we see the emotions as a threat and then we numb ourselves. But just because we can't feel it doesn't mean our body isn't still holding on to it, you know so.

Speaker 1: 11:36

You want to support someone going through a hard time, be that anxiety, be that a divorce, be that your child, your partner, whatever. The general rule of thumb that I want you to take away from this is please encourage people to feel. Get creative in how you do it. Don't you dare and I say this because I love you don't you dare try to fix them. Don't try to give them advice. No one needs advice. People have their wisdom. Maybe they need to talk it out with you so then they can hear their own wisdom. But what people really need is a space to remember that feeling their emotions is all they got to do, that there's no shame in feeling emotions, that there is nothing to fix, that it is normal and healthy and actually really good to feel emotions. Negative emotions are not negative. They just hurt a bit, right, and so the more that you encourage them, the people around you, believe me, you'll be the most powerful supporter, right? That's what people need.

Speaker 1: 12:40

Think about the last time you were going through a tough time and the person who was trying to fix you and spoke to you like there was something wrong with you. You were just probably more pissed off. Or when you were angry and then someone said just relax. Yeah, did you feel more relaxed or did you want to punch them in the face? Right, and that's because the right thing that person should have said to you would have looked like keep being angry, take your time in being angry. It's healthy. Anger is necessary, you know, and good on you for feeling your anger, because if you don't feel your anger it's going to turn into aggression. So good on you. Like I've got you. Take your time. You're safe to feel, you know, angry. No one's judging you for being angry. I'd be angry if I was you, if I was in your position. What you're going through is valid. That person cut you off the road. What do you mean? Right? Understand that there is a shadow version and a light version of everything, and the unhealthy version of anger is aggression. And the healthy emotion when we're hurt and we're feeling really like we need to defend ourselves and feel like our boundaries have been violated, is anger. It's a natural emotion. Right Again, going to the high vibe gym.

Speaker 1: 13:50

I educate you on all of these details. I also there's, like pretty much you could say, like audios guiding you through each emotion, how to regulate each right and, over time, my hope for you because that's why I called it high vibe gym is that over time, your body gets so good at it it does it without the gym that when you do go back in the High Vibe Gym, it won't be as frequent. You might only go in there for a couple, you know, 10 seconds instead of 10 minutes, but it's there for you. Guys. I've made it free on purpose. Yes, I've got other programs that you do got to pay for, but this is something that I believe you know. Schools, you know, didn't do their due diligence okay, sorry, but not sorry. Okay in educating us and the most important skill on earth of being human, which is how the fuck to be human, how to regulate your damn emotion. So if they're not going to do it, I'm doing it. That's why I'm making it free.

Speaker 1: 14:39

Okay, um, but yes, I wanted to keep this episode nice and simple for you, so I've told you what not to do, very simply, and I've told you what to do instead. Now, of course, there's so much more that comes to this. There's so many more nuances, but I'm going to leave it up to you guys to give me the specifics of what you want in the future episodes. For today, like I said, I've kept it short and sweet. I've told you what not to do. Let's go over it so I can tie this in a little bow for you.

Speaker 1: 15:07

What not to do when supporting someone. Don't fix people and don't rescue them. That's actually toxic and that's very detrimental to someone's health and your own health. You're not here to rescue people. What to do instead? Encourage people to feel their emotions through healthy validations and encouraging them to feel what they're feeling. Don't you dare okay, don't you dare make people feel wrong or stupid for feeling an emotion. Every emotion serves an evolutionary purpose and every single time you stop someone from feeling an emotion, including yourself, you're actually hindering their ability to develop their maturity, both intellectually, emotionally and physically.

Speaker 1: 15:50

So I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Guys, I love you so much. I gave you some tough love, but I promise you know you'll love me for it, and please send this to someone who you know might need it. Maybe you need to send this to your partner so they stop, maybe, making you feel so unsupported and unloved. Just want to remind you so they stop, maybe, making you feel so unsupported and unloved. Just want to remind you, just want to add this one last thing that if someone in your life is trying to support you and you feel like it doesn't work, it just makes it worse.

Speaker 1: 16:16

I'm now going to say something else here and I'm going to invite you to forgive them. Please forgive them, because most doctors and therapists don't even know how to do this, and I don't say that in a mean way, I'm just speaking about this objectively. Please forgive them. People don't know what they don't know. This is not something we're taught in schools or universities, okay, so I invite you to please forgive them. All right, send them this episode, okay, and just know that we're all doing the best we can Give them a chance. Once they get educated, they're going to be all right. Let them support you. It's a skill. Take some practice, all right. Be patient with yourself, be patient with someone else, and also know that the way that you would support another person is the same way you should be supporting yourself. So much love, guys. Ciao.