💎 Step into your personal power and say goodbye to your victim mentality

Ever found yourself trapped in a cycle of endless excuses, wondering when you'll finally take charge of your life? My journey has been riddled with those very barriers, and it took a serious heart-to-heart with myself to initiate real change. In our latest episode, I lay bare the struggles I've faced and share the strategies that have allowed me to conquer the habit of excuse-making. We'll explore the delicate dance between self-acceptance and personal growth, aiming to empower you to become the healthiest, hottest, and smartest version of you.

Our conversation takes a turn as we shine a light on the sometimes harsh world of self-improvement. The industry's tough love approach can be veiled in shame, a lesson I learned through my own evolution from content consumer to creator. We'll unpack how motivational content, while well-intentioned, can sometimes do more harm than good, leading to a vicious cycle of inadequacy and stagnation. Join us for a candid discussion on the importance of energy and intention in messages of change, and why authentic encouragement is the key to unlocking true potential.

We wrap up with an energizing call to arms, tackling the cycle of excuses and victimization head-on. I'll reveal how stepping into our personal power is not about waiting for a savior, but about recognizing that we are the heroes of our own stories. I'll share insights on how transforming frustration into positive action can lead you to a life of responsibility and empowerment. Get ready to leave behind the safety of excuses and embrace a more proactive, empowered existence. 

Chapters

• 0:00 How to Stop Making Excuses
• 8:42 The Impact of Shaming in Self-Improvement
• 17:15 Breaking Excuses and Victimization Cycle
• 28:44 Harnessing Personal Power and Overcoming Excuses

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

What's up, guys. I'm so excited for this week's episode of the Hot Genius podcast. I just kind of want to first begin by asking you how you're going. I know you can't directly reply right this moment, but I just wanted to use it as an opportunity for you to even ask yourself that question. You know, like, how are you doing, like for real, not in the grocery shopper, let's just make small talk kind of way in a legitimate, genuine way. So how are you doing For real? What's going on with you?

Speaker 1: 0:33

And so, if you're new here, I'm about to reveal to you the way I do things and the way that I do things and the way the things that, what, the way that Hot Genius does things, which is all what we aspire to become is we don't just listen, we don't just passively consume information. I like to provide you with a full body experience. So that is always something that I have in mind that, plus having some practicality added to knowledge, because I'm always going to say this and if you're not new here, you'll know I'm constantly repeating this and it's that you can Google information, like you can find information wherever you want. You're always going to find it. However, the thing that is most valuable and needed right now is the application of information. It's being able to know what information is truly going to support you and create progress within your life, and so that is a perfect segue to move us into the new episode for today, which is called how to Stop Making Excuses. And if you're new here, once again I'm your host, christina Montefari, and I'm always going to be here to support you on your journey in making sure that you become the most healthiest, hottest and smartest version of yourself. We'd love to discuss all things manifestation, nervous system regulation, as well as mindset.

Speaker 1: 2:01

Okay, so, how to stop making excuses? I want to begin by approaching this entire topic in a way in which I've never heard before, and I'm going to say that I wish that this episode or this perspective was given to me many, many years ago, because it would have actually helped me in ways that I can't even begin to explain, but I'm going to do my best during this episode to do so. And so what that is, that unique approach that I have to people who struggle with, you know, not victimizing themselves and constantly making excuses up for themselves is that I once was that person, and I don't hate her. And because I don't hate that person, that version of me, I will not project my shit onto you, which means that you're not going to feel ashamed when I talk about this very sensitive, touchy topic of victim mindset, which is linked to people making excuses up for themselves. And so let's also begin there.

Speaker 1: 3:00

Let's understand first what exactly is you making excuses up for yourself all the time?

Speaker 1: 3:05

How does that link? What is it about? And so I already revealed that a little bit before. When it's really, it is the victim mindset.

Speaker 1: 3:10

Unfortunately, if in any way you know that you are supposed to do something, but you just don't do it because you choose convenience or instant gratification over it, then unfortunately, without judgment, here, that is you playing the victim card. You know and obviously practice the discernment. I'm obviously not talking about literal victimhood, that is not the same, okay. I'm talking about the victim mindset, the individual who, no matter of what you're doing, no matter of what opportunities and options and solutions are presented to them, there's always an excuse as to why they won't do it, why it's not the right time and or why it might not even work for them.

Speaker 1: 3:54

Okay, and so, going back to the way I approach this, is that I told you earlier, at the beginning of this episode, that I wish I heard this conversation the way I'm about to have it with you, because I don't know about you, but when I was in a state in my life, right, and it did go up and down where I just I really did play victim and I was constantly making up excuses for myself For example, I would have a really awesome like opportunity, or maybe it was a program or something, or I learned, oh, I read a book and I figured out how to fix a certain problem that I was facing in my life, right, and I was so excited, I really I felt hope again, you know, and I was really feeling determined, I had all this motivation, this inspiration, this dopamine, right. And then, when it came down to doing it, I just I just didn't, I just didn't. I made excuses up like I'll start next week, or I'll start tomorrow, or I'm not ready for this, or I'm gonna wait until my life is perfect first. I'm gonna wait till I perfectly organize my space. I'm gonna wait till I perfectly launch my business. I'm gonna wait for this, I'm gonna wait for that. And it was this constant game. Oh, I'm gonna wait for this. I'm gonna wait for that.

Speaker 1: 5:08

And the worst part about it was that all of my excuses actually were quite valid to the naked eye. For example, you could say that it is quite valid for me to not want to work on my anxiety recovery because, like I was, it makes sense that I was like I'm not gonna work on this anxiety program that I've just created for myself or that I just learned about, because I want to make sure I launch my business first. You know I want to have all this focus, so you know, first, and then I don't want to have to stress about my business, I want to just have that off the ground, and when that's launched, okay, that will be the perfect time then to work on my anxiety. It's valid, it makes some sort of sense, sort of. But when I say it out loud to you which you might have had a similar thought it doesn't make as much sense as it does in your head. Alright, because I know that was true for me in my head. It made a perfect sense that you know.

Speaker 1: 6:12

I knew that it was going to be this big commitment, this big dedication, where my life would change drastically, because who I had to become in order to be someone who no longer battled with anxiety the way I did. That was a completely different person to whom I was already being in that moment, and so in those moments, I would naturally fall for the cycle, the victim cycle, that I identify. As you know, you realize this. You have some sort of an inkling, you have this awareness, you feel inspired, and then you don't take action, fair enough, because you make reasons which are really just excuses that we don't mean to make, that we don't even realize we're making. And now we're trying to get that feeling back again. You know what I'm talking about. We're trying to get back that inspiration that we felt originally, that made us to, that made us want to make this change in the first place. So what does that look like? You get, you grab your phone, you go on social media and you scroll, and you scroll until you find a piece of content that's going to knock you back into that motivation. Or you go on YouTube and you find it. Now, there's no harm in using social media as a tool for for us to create that sort of mindset shift.

Speaker 1: 7:29

I am all for, you know, leveraging what we have and really taking advantage of positive content? Absolutely I would. I'm all for that, but there is a fine line between using that quote unquote motivational content, positive content, as an excuse to not change, versus using it as a tool to support your change. Let me say that again there is a fine line between using positive content as an excuse to hide and not make any changes versus using positive content as a tool to support your change. And the key words I want you to take away from those that very big sentence would be the first one is hide and the second one is support. And that's the main part that I want you to remember here that it's never, ever about the behavior in which we are exhibiting, it's more so the reasoning and the intention of that behavior. Okay, and so for me, once again, I would, yeah, like I would. I wouldn't see that difference.

Speaker 1: 8:42

I started off as wanting to use it as a tool, but as I got older, the more that I developed a growth like a healer's ego or a personal development ego right the less I stopped using positive content, so to speak, as a support system. I use that as an excuse to hide and stay small and just, you know, say I need to get more motivation, and that's part of the cycle, and then, after you get the motivation, you feel great again, and then you tell yourself all over again that you're going to make this change, and then you don't, and then, as you can see, that is why it is a vicious cycle, and so part of that vicious cycle, though, is this this is the part that I wanted to say that I wish I heard this earlier, and it's that, in the quote unquote positive content that you hear people you know sharing that motivation, that inspiration, like whatever it may be, you hear things that they don't mean to, they really don't mean it. Oh, I hope they don't mean it, but not, they don't mean it and it's that they accidentally shame you. Okay, so what I mean by this is they'll say something like you got, like you got to, you know, you got to want to recover, or heal, or succeed in your goals, and you're going to have to sacrifice absolutely everything. If you don't, you're a victim, or if you don't, you're a loser. You got to be a winner. You're this, you're that, like something along those lines.

Speaker 1: 10:02

I'm obviously paraphrasing probably about 100 different pieces of content into just one example, but you get the point here there's some sort of level of I guess there's shaming you and they will probably call that as tough love. But you see, tough love is not projecting your shit onto someone and I think that, unfortunately, a lot of people in the industry not everyone, but a lot of people in the industry of the coaching world, with motivation or personal development world they do project their shit onto, onto the audience, meaning that they were obviously one, someone who was a victim as well or played the victim card, and who was someone who, who was someone who did make excuses up and then, when they went through their own transformation of going fuck, like I'm in control of my life, you know, naturally they're going to feel the contrast and they're going to see what they missed out on for all those years. And now, from a place of love, they like the hearts in the right place. They're now on a subconscious, unaware mission to make sure that they can make sure that no one else goes through their suffering, that they did, that they don't wait as long as they did. But what this really is doing to the audience, such as yourself or my past self, is it's shaming them because they are not. They are speaking from a place of self anger. They are still angry at that version of them in which used to make lots of excuses to not show up for their lives, and until they actually accept that that's a perfectly healthy, natural part of the process, okay, because we live in a world of polarity, they will forever shame you, yeah, and so I'm here to tell you how to take your power back and to learn how to read between the lines, because a message that you hear from myself or anyone else is not just the words in which we speak. It is the energy in which we deliver them. Okay, it is not about the words in which we speak. It is the energy in how we deliver those words. Okay, and so that's the reason why people struggle to actually show up and rise above their excuses is because of that very thing.

Speaker 1: 12:07

And let me just be clear about something. Okay, I was once that content creator, by the way, who did shame people to. I've done that, okay. So this is not about blame. I'm not here to shame the shamers, right, that would make no sense. I'm just here to raise awareness, because it doesn't matter what part of the seesaw that you are sitting on. This can truly support you if you can start approaching this by understanding why?

Speaker 1: 12:31

Because let me tell you something if someone's sitting there projecting their own anger towards their past self and now they're making you feel bad, they're and they're calling that tough love and they're calling that motivational speaking, okay, that's not helping you. That's just going to make you rebel against that, because the energy is forceful and when someone is making you feel bad for your excuses and for why you are holding yourself back, you're not going to be very encouraged to actually rise above them. Are you? Because I don't know about you. I was like that, I couldn't. I just the shame was like a prison cell for me, like I feel like no matter how much I wanted to jump out of it, because I was constantly trying to fuel myself with what I would call toxic positive motivation and stuff like that and content. It just kept me more stuck in my victim mentality.

Speaker 1: 13:27

And don't get me wrong, don't think that that kind of toxic tough love is not useful sometimes because I can. I can name hundreds of people who have actually gotten out of their victimhood from this kind of content or this kind of energy. But it's not sustainable. They always go backwards. And if they don't go backwards. They might behaviorally upkeep which is very rare. It's probably about one percent of them will behaviorally still, yeah, like keep up the pretenses of this quote unquote success in a certain pursuit that they have, but internally they are suffering and internally they are miserable.

Speaker 1: 14:06

So, either way, in my opinion, I don't think that that's a very cool thing to experience for me. I rather us rise above our excuses, say goodbye to that victim mentality for good and actually to love ourselves throughout the evolution of that process. Doesn't that sound better? Isn't that so much more inspiring? So I just wanted to make sure that you know it's not entirely your fault when you struggle to make sure that you are not being a victim to your life.

Speaker 1: 14:38

Okay, that it's a mix of, yes, your own decisions, your own mistakes, but it's also from the people and society and just people who we want to look up to, that we're seeking guidance from. You know, because before I sit here and I tell you, hey, this is what you're going to do, so that you can stop making excuses, so you can rise above them, so you can truly transcend what's keeping you small, I want to first tell you why you haven't done it already, and I promised you that I was gonna give you a conversation, that I wish that was given to me. And this is where it begins. I wish someone had told me that it wasn't just on me. Of course it was on me, of course my life is my responsibility, but that the advice and the energy that I was receiving from, I guess, certain types of content out there on the internet was actually keeping me small as well. And because, once again, if you can look back and you can imagine that you're in this state of going, I want to change, I want to be better. Like I want to show up for myself every single day, but I keep making excuses up.

Speaker 1: 16:01

If you're in that state and then you're listening to someone tell you hey, make sure that you stop making excuses up, and if you keep making excuses up, it's on you, your life's gonna suck and you have no one to blame. But you, you know those words. Yes, I actually agree with them. Like, in terms of words, it's the truth, it's facts, but it's the way that the energy of the message that's coming where it's coming from, it's almost like it's not almost. It's literally them yelling at their younger self. It's them shaming their younger self into rising above them. It's not encouraging them, it's putting fear into the person.

Speaker 1: 16:41

You know there's two kinds of influence from anyone in the world. All right, I actually learned this from Simon Sinek. He's amazing, and what he says about influence is that you can have two kinds of influence. Influence type one is to induce fear in the people you're influencing. Influence type two is to inspire them. And I'm here to tell you that most of the internet is not actually inspiring you, even if you feel literally inspired during or after the thing that you just heard. Unfortunately, most of it is fear induced.

Speaker 1: 17:15

And if you're someone who is struggling to actually make changes in your life and you want to stop making excuses up, but you can't seem to find that missing link between that and who you want to become, then I'm here to tell you it's because you are being influenced by leaders and influencers who are inducing fear into you instead of inducing inspiration. It's not coming from your empowerment, it's coming from your struggle and your pain, and you hear all the time people saying move away from your pain. You got to talk to people in a way where you need to move away, like make them so disgusted in their pain, that they have no choice to rise above. And I'm here to say, cool, yeah, that works, but it's not sustainable. I'm here to say there's a different way, and the different way is for me to tell you hey, I love you. No, really, I love you, because love is not something that you need to earn. I don't even need to know you for me to love you. I love you. I hear you, I feel you. I've been where you are.

Speaker 1: 18:15

I have been that bitch who is constantly making excuses up for herself, and now that you know that you don't have to rise above your excuses from a place of shame or fear or pain, that you actually can do it from a place of love and empowerment, you know like this is going to change everything for you. And so, now that you know that, now you can feel my message. This message is going to be a message you've never heard before, and I promise you, if you're truly a someone who cares more about sustainability and listening to your gut and your intuition, then this message is going to land in a way that you've never experienced this same message before, and it's that you do not have to be a victim to your life anymore and that no one is coming to save you, and that's the best news. It doesn't have to be the worst news. It can be the absolute best news you've ever heard in your life, and it's something that you probably already know, but you might not know it in your body, and if you've realized that you were only stuck because you keep feeling shamed into it, maybe you also shame yourself into it and it's not going to work. It's not going to work for someone who actually values sustainability and intuition. They won't, you won't, and I know that the people who listen to this show, this community, is all about doing things that quote unquote right way, and once again, I define rights by something that's coming from empowerment instead of lack. And now that you know that I can give you the actual strategy and it's going to land in a whole different way, because once again, I love you, I love my past self, I love every version of you and I love every version of my past self. I'm the messenger right now, and sometimes the message isn't as important as the messenger, and I do not want to shame you into rising above your excuses. I want to empower you, and how you're gonna do that is realize.

Speaker 1: 20:07

The reason why you keep making excuses up for your life and you keep falling into the victim mindset is because and please listen to me, please listen to me it's because you wish that you stopped making excuses five years ago. Really, hear me right now, you. What's holding you back is that you wish that if you had Maybe taken care of your health five years ago, by now you'd be so healthy and you'd have your dream body. Or maybe you wish that you actually went to therapy ten years ago, because by now you wouldn't have depression. Maybe that's what's going through your mind. But let me tell you, people who are stuck in making their excuses over and over and over again and constantly, you know, playing victim to their life. These people, if this is you, because this was me and this was a lot of people I work with as well it's because you wish you did it sooner. And if you wish that you did this sooner, I'm here to further tell you it means you are in denial that you are someone who makes excuses in the first place.

Speaker 1: 21:14

Here comes that the next part of the strategy is that what you can action this with, what this will look like for you, fam, is for you To actually admit that this is who you've become. You've become someone who makes excuses up. That's okay, but you will not ever stop being someone who does this to you, who is enslaved by their life, until you admit you are that person. Because I know that. You know that you're that person and I know why you don't admit it. I don't. I know why you're in denial.

Speaker 1: 21:50

Let me guess you only were in denial up until this moment simply because you, being someone who makes excuses up, goes against the person you know you truly are. Really hear that you know. Let me let me say this again you know for a fact that who you truly are is someone who is responsible for their life. You know who you truly are is someone who's empowered as fuck, who truly believes in themselves, who doesn't sit there waiting for life to do the things that you know that you can do. You don't hear waiting for prince charming, princess charming. You're not waiting for someone to save. You know that who you really are.

Speaker 1: 22:28

And now that you have become someone who is, in a way, sort of being the opposite of who you really are, which is someone who's making excuses up, because someone who makes excuses up all the time of why something won't work for them or why you don't have the time right now is is not who you really are. It's going against that. And the second that you admit that you fear that you will really become and stay the person that you don't want to be, which, in this case, is someone who does play victim to their life, which is someone who does make excuses up, which is someone is constantly disappointing themselves, betraying themselves and abandoning themselves. You do not have to be this person anymore, but the only way you will stop making excuses up sustainably, effortlessly, through a place of empowerment is to first admit that you have. You have become this person. You have, you have Become that victim, that victim mindset. You have become someone who makes excuses up that.

Speaker 1: 23:26

You have become someone who, even though sitting right in front of you, you probably have a program, a coach, a mental, a therapist, a book, a Program that's you know is going to change the game for you know it's gonna answer all of your questions, if not most of them, right, whatever it is for you. I know that. You know that the second that you actually dedicate yourself, that you can do it, but you're just fucking angry that you didn't do it sooner and you're subconsciously putting up a protest and you're punishing yourself and you don't have to do that anymore. You can break the cycle, and you break that cycle by admitting that you're in the cycle, because only someone who's still stuck in the cycle is someone who cannot admit it. You get out of it by you actually admitting that you're in it. That's how it works. So I'm.

Speaker 1: 24:19

I just wanted to say that if you know me in my personal life, in my professional life, if you've ever read any of the books I've written, if you've been following me for years and used to read my blogs or whatever else, if, whatever way, you have encountered something with me and in any way I have shamed you, then I apologize because I have definitely done it. I have been that person who was projecting her own anger towards herself for why she didn't start sooner, why she didn't rise above her victim mindset sooner, and I projected that on the world, just like I was explaining at the beginning of this episode. I'd seen it from a place of what I thought love was and the way that I would treat someone. The way anyone treats someone is how we treat ourselves and how I used to treat myself was I confused, shaming myself or giving myself tough love? And there's just no doubt that I would have done that in my work as well. I own that. But I could only stop doing that. I could only stop being that person, in this case being on the other end of this.

Speaker 1: 25:20

Through admitting it, I dissolved that cage of put myself in. And it worked the other way as well. I realized that I was a victim. I acted like a victim to my life. I always make excuses up, always when I owned that, everything changed for me and did not get me wrong At the beginning of me actually becoming someone who took full ownership of her life and I don't just mean temporarily, I'm talking about sustainably.

Speaker 1: 25:47

I'm not going to lie. At the beginning I was really angry at anyone else who was actually still making excuses up. I, straight up, was pissed off at my clients. I was pissed off at my students. I was pissed off at my family, my friends, straight the fuck up. And guess what? It was projection and wasn't about them. It's because I was loving them incorrectly, because I loved myself incorrectly. I didn't know what it was, and that might happen to you at the beginning.

Speaker 1: 26:13

You might rise above your excuses and then feel a little bit pissed off at the world for just constantly making excuses up, and it just wants you to know it's not really about them, it's about you, and that's just an invitation for you to forgive who you used to be. But I also have a feeling, because of the way we're having this conversation right now we're taking the influence of inspiration approach. I have a feeling you might not even be pissed off, because if you truly do this from a space of empowerment, you will actually feel nothing but compassion for anyone else who is still making excuses up for their lives. And so to wrap up this episode is to remember that you make excuses up still, not because you're a bad person, not because you're lazy not at all, far from it. You do it because you're just subconsciously anger at yourself that you haven't done something about your life.

Speaker 1: 27:15

Suna, you are in denial that you have become someone you promised yourself you wouldn't be. Maybe you promised yourself many years ago you never end up like your parents. Maybe your parents are someone who constantly making excuses up. Maybe it's your friend or your teacher I don't know who it is for you, but it's okay that you became this person. It's totally fine, I did too, right. And to remember that the way we rise above it is. Be careful about that cycle. Know the difference between hiding behind getting motivated and inspired and seeking that inspiration and motivation from people who are sort of just yelling at their past self, shaming you and confusing that with tough love.

Speaker 1: 27:59

To remember that it really does matter who you're listening to, because it's not about the words, it's not even about the message, it's about the messenger and the energy in which that message is coming from. And to know that you will stop making excuses. The second you admit that all you do is make excuses. The second that you realize that making excuses is making you the victim of your life. And to also know that when you are truly able to own this, everything changes for you, everything. And that you can forgive that past version of you who didn't do this sooner. And that it's okay that it is hard, it's okay that you've left it for too long, it's totally fine. Everything is always salvageable if you can own your power back.

Speaker 1: 28:44

And to remember that no one's coming to save you and that's amazing. That means that the power is in your hands. That means that you are so much more in control that you ever thought. Okay, so I love you and just remember that you will stop making excuses. The second, that you admit that you have become someone who's constantly making up excuses and that that's okay, and that you do that because you wish that you started sooner, you wish you made a different decision sooner A part of you is angry at yourself and that you can use motivational and inspirational and post positive content from the internet as a tool. But do not confuse that as a way to just get a dopamine high. Do not confuse that as a way to hide from your responsibility. You got this. I believe in you. So much love and until next time, bye.